You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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