thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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