Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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