Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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