I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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