Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
