bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
