Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
