i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There r osticjed everywhere
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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