come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
