I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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