Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize