so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
