And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Couch. On fire.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize