It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
