First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
