Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I AM VODKA MAN
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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