Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
