Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
