PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
