the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
