new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
