He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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