If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
