Dude my mom stole all your condoms
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you would pick up someone in the library
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
