I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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