I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
