No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
