my vag is so smooth its legendary
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
