Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
