Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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