I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
