And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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