I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
