i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
