apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
