I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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