How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
