i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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