Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i wish my penis had a tongue
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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