I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
