i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
