hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
