I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Your penis caused this!
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