A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
