Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
