Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
