i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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