This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
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