anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
