It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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