I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
did i just pee glitter
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
