He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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