Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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