she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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