I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
