Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
